Jess

once_removed @ 2008-10-15T20:43:00

2008-10-16T01:14:28Z

i ate lunch at panera today and i people watched.
don't ask me why.
i just put my earphones in and had my laptop with me. i pretended to be looking at the screen but i was really just watching people.
it's amazing how the music playing in my ears was the lense through which i watched people.
it was like my own little soundtrack.
i guess this is why i love music-- it affects every part of me.
angry music makes me angry.
sad music makes me sad.
it provokes feelings that i didn't know were inside of me.
maybe this is why i'm such a big fan of introspect too.
no matter how many times i look inside myself... there's always more to discover... more to explore.
probably because i'm always changing.
i'm just now learning that change isn't a bad thing.

to be honest, sometimes i miss MVNU.
but most of the time i don't.
it was a hard place for me.
i constantly felt like i was surrounded by these people who had their shit together 24/7.
and to be honest.... it was annoying.
because while they were accelerating in life, mine was falling apart.
but my life isn't falling apart now. it's just now starting.
i feel like i'm on the verge of something big and i'm trying so hard to not get lost in it all.
i'm in school. that's what i wanted, right?
i have a decent job that pays the bills.
i am making it.

the word redemption bothers me.
probably because it's big and i never knew really what it meant for a long time.
but i'm learning what that means.
the act of redemption means to be recovered.
to make up for.
my life is one big giant act of redemption right now.
and i am content with that.

this lady came into my work the other day.
she's a patient.
and she started crying about how life is so hard.
so difficult.
and she's just not sure how to get through it all sometimes.
so i made her a CD.
some people bake when tragedy strikes.
some people bite their nails.
some people buy things.
but i make CD's.
so i made her a CD of all of these songs that will hopefully encourage her.
songs of hope.
songs that speak about life and pulling through.
she must have taken it home and listened to it because when she came in today she gave me the biggest hug ever.
i hope she knows that i really do care.

once_removed @ 2008-06-18T22:10:00

2008-06-19T02:11:20Z

hey katie.

once_removed @ 2008-05-27T00:30:00

2008-05-27T05:49:26Z

i promised myself that i would not look away.
i made myself promise this long before i even stepped foot on the plane because i knew if i granted myself permission to decide on the spot whether to keep my eyes fixated on the world below, i would look away.
heights have never been my forte.
sometimes it easier to look away than to face the fear.
but this time, i wouldn't.
so i sat in my window seat, fists clenched as the flight attendent announced, "we were ready for take-off."
seconds later the plane sped up.
my head gently pressed back again my headrest.
and i looked out the window as the tires lifted off of the runway.
i saw the tops of the trees.
we were flying.
the screen ahead of me noted the elevation:
300ft....353ft...406ft.... etc. it continued to rise...
before i knew it the cars became tiny moving specs.
we were at 5,000ft
and i wondered as i gazed at the world below how something so chaotic could look so organized from above.
i saw the land neatly divided into square plots.
the roads would bend and sway connecting one destination to another.

from above no one would guess that we were a world of people who are so lost.

i started to wonder if it was a coincidence that the lady next to me was reading the bible while i was just finishing a book titled, "Reasons To Believe" with a giant cross on the front.
i know i am in a bad place when i resort to books to tell me why i ought to believe in Jesus.
she looked at me.
i looked at her.
and i think she knew my soul was struggling.
she said, "do you like your book?"
and i said, "no."
she asked why.
"because i have one chapter left and unless it contains a miracle, i'm afraid i still don't believe."
she nodded and looked down at her bible.
"do you like yours?" i asked.
she shrugged. "honey, even mine has miracles in it and sometimes i struggle to believe. but there's one thing i know: faith that doesn't doubt isn't faith. but a faith that doesn't overcome doubt was never faith in the first place."

i never learned her name but i think that lady saved my life.

once_removed @ 2008-05-09T22:28:00

2008-05-10T14:29:18Z

there's this boy.... :)

once_removed @ 2008-05-01T00:05:00

2008-05-01T04:36:45Z

blank page
naked paper
i cover you with my
small hand and frantic scribblings
eager to clothe you with my inkblots and
cluttered thoughts
but as i review your new apparel
i start to wonder if you looked better
bare

once_removed @ 2008-04-30T20:38:00

2008-05-01T03:47:12Z

once_removed @ 2008-04-25T23:24:00

2008-04-26T03:23:22Z

my washing machine broke.
the only reason i mentioned this to my boss is because I wash the massage table sheets at home once a week.
(he pays me to do it).
and that particular week I obviously couldn't do it.
so i told him not to worry if we seem to be running low on clean sheets because I would figure out a way to get it done.
my washer was rather expensive to repair but it was still cheaper than buying a new one.
he casually asked how much it cost to fix.
I told him and thought nothing of it...i just thought he was making conversation.
and then today I opened my paycheck to discover a seperate check inside labled "laundry repair."

i almost cried.
it's been awhile since i've felt taken care of.

not to abruptly change the subject but...
i think i'm giving up going on traditional dates.
they are awkward.
and i feel fake everytime i dress myself up to go out with a boy i don't really know.
i'd much rather throw on a hoodie, a pair of jeans and drink a beer over a good conversation.
I have kissed too many boys out of obligation.
i do the dating math:

                     1 opened car door +
                     1 expensive dinner+
                     3 courtesy laughs at my lame jokes         __
                     5 second kiss on the lips.

that formula doesn't really seem to be working for me.
plus, it's really lame.

do you know who i find most attractive?
the typical "guy next door" kinda men.
you know who i'm talking about...
the ones who are just there.
the ones who are apart of the group and become friends with you first.
maybe i'm old fashioned but i think honest attraction needs time to grow.
lust is common and incredibly superficial.
but true attraction?
like, truly craving someone's personality and insight...
it doesn't just happen in an instant.
it grows on you.
i'll find a guy who digs the girl next door type eventually.
and if not, i guess i'll be single for quite awhile because i sure as hell am not settling.

That's all I've got for now.
I'm sure I'll write again soon.

love,
jb

once_removed @ 2008-01-17T15:20:00

2008-02-17T20:22:47Z

"I keep on chasing the wrong things
and coming up empty
This isn't who I'm supposed to be
I keep on learning the hard way from every mistake
And I'm finding each time that you fall,
you're just becoming who you are"
-Mainstay

once_removed @ 2007-12-08T19:25:00

2007-12-09T00:26:10Z

On my way to take my mom downtown for her chemo appointments, I pass an abortion clinic. Not once in 3 years have I passed this clinic without seeing a large group of catholic anti-abortion supporters standing outside in protest. They're not only in the way, they wave brutal signs around. You've probably seen these signs. They're the ones showing the heads of aborted babies, ones with sayings like, "America's Holocaust" and "Murderer."

Personally, I dont give a crap whether or not you agree or disagree with abortion. That's your decision and conviction and I'm not one to argue things that I've not been through. However, I CAN argue that being in the way, forcing people to view crude photographs and calling people "murderers" is a pretty crappy thing to do... especially when one identifies themselves with a church.

God forbid the catholic church (or any church... I just chose catholic since that was the church sponsoring this specific anti-abortion protest) associate themselves with something that WOULD prevent abortions... such as endorsing a credible adoption agency or (insert overly dramatic GASP here) contraceptives. I'd love to ask any of the protestors how many of them have adopted children or regularly give money to support orphanages. I whole heartedly believe most of them haven't done either. I guess the easy thing to do is to degrade young women as they walk into a clinic instead of doing something that actually makes a difference. So much for really believing in a cause.

If anyone can give me substantial evidence that women have turned away from the option of abortion simply because a group of anti-abortion protestors held signs and name called then I'd shut my mouth about how absolutely lame it is for people to do such things. However, no such evidence exists. Life is too short to waste time doing something that doesn't matter. Stop holding signs and start living what you preach.

once_removed @ 2007-07-03T19:46:00

2007-07-04T00:03:03Z

i support ron paul for president.
www.ronpaul2008.com
check it out. check out the "issues" page.

ron paul:
supports the withdrawl from iraq.
disagrees with the Patriot Act which allows the government to invade every citizens privacy.
is against amnesty for the 20 million illegal immigrants already in the US.
is against abortion, however ,believes it should be regulated locally, not nationally.
wants to cut taxes to spark the growth of the economy.
is for small government.

check him out for real.
that's all.

once_removed @ 2007-07-01T20:12:00

2007-07-02T00:29:51Z

i have been everywhere.
no, seriously.
since the last time i wrote i've been out of town a million and one times...
been to a couple weddings
went to myrtle beach.
it was good.

80's music isn't bad.
is it ok that i'm starting to like it?
maybe it's because i hang out with 30 yr olds.
is it ok that i hang out with 30 yr olds?
i like them.
a huge part of me wishes i were 30 just so can pass up years in my life.
i want to be older than i am because being 21 sucks.
and i'm sure once i'm older i will wish to be young again.

mom is no better. she sees a doctor who pisses me off.
but to be honest, i'm usually always pissed off at her doctors so i guess it's no different.
i just don't like them. they never seem to make her better and i suppose that's where my frustration lies.
that and the fact that her doctors are never on time.
and i'm an extremely impatient person.
when i sit in a doctors office all day, i literally start to feel like i'm suffocating.
the air gets entirely too thick.
my chest gets heavy.
i feel as if i'm wasting away sitting in there.
more so, as if my mom is wasting away....
there are old people who can barely walk waiting for the same doctor
and i can't help but wonder if my mom will be like that one day.
i dont want her to ever be like those people.
i sometimes pray that time would freeze for her.
it never does, though.

boys my age are rediculously immature.
i seem to meet them everywhere i go but none pan out to be anyone worth my time.
does that make me seem snotty??
perhaps i am and i need to get myself in check...
regardless, i'll admit i'm a bit selfish with my time.
it's a precious commodity.
i meet alot of "church" boys.
dont get me wrong, i love jesus and all.
i really do.
but these "church" boys seem to want to debate.
i'm not up for that.
i just think it's better to live how i want to live and let everyone else live how they want to.
the most i can do is invite people to live the way i do.... not force them to or put guilt trips on others.
that's rediculous.

i have less than 4 hours until i'm 22. crazy.
22. that's so old.
but not really.
i thought by 22 i would have my own place and pay my own bills and have a serious boyfriend.
i have none of those.
i was soooooo wrong.
i will spend my birthday the same way i spent it last yr-- with mom at a doctors office.
and to be honest, there's no other place i'd rather be.

i'm outtie.
peace.

once_removed @ 2007-05-28T00:49:00

2007-05-28T08:09:49Z

jess burns= disapointment.

once_removed @ 2007-04-25T19:15:00

2007-04-26T03:46:18Z

ever see something so beautiful that it actually makes your heart hurt?
i've just recently discovered that beauty-- true beauty--hits deep.
and it hurts. but it's a good kind of hurt.

my mom is so beautiful that it hurts sometimes.
she's sitting across the room from me now in her chair watching wheel of fortune.
(we always watch wheel of fortune together)
her wig is off.
and her hat is beside her.
her bald head exposed.
and she is beautiful

rewind back to this past christmas day when mom opened the last gift...
...the necklace with the birthstone of august on it...
and steph announcing she's due in august.
and the tears came.
pure joy.
it was beautiful
and my neice...
who has long legs already
and is still working on getting here
she is beautiful

a year ago i was preparing myself to go to africa
...oh africa...
that continent in and of itself is beautiful.
a million words could never do it justice.
but those children who were starving to be held...
and touched...
and loved on...
beautiful

and that moment i had on a beach there in Benin...
watching the waves rise and fall beneath a sunset that blended a thousand different colors into something so perfect...
and for the first time in a long time i felt peace.
like perhaps my entire life led up to this one moment.
and i realized i was ok.
and no matter what, i'd be ok.
it was sacred.
and pure.
it was a connection from the heart of my creator straight into mine
it was beyond beautiful
it was just what i needed right when i needed it.

*sigh*
that's all i got.
loveyoubye.

once_removed @ 2007-04-23T08:09:00

2007-04-23T15:10:40Z

i have a cold.
this is not good.

once_removed @ 2007-04-01T01:38:00

2007-04-01T06:43:00Z

i just bought a phone online.
that's the first thing i've done for myself in a long time.
i'm kind of excited about it.
isn't that funny?

my house is always messy.
it's not disgusting messy, but there's junk everywhere.
and by the time i clean it all up, it gets messy again with more junk.
... dirty dishes, papers, magazines, gift baskets, flowers, cards...
i just can't seem to stay on top of the clutter.
and if i'm not cleaning, i'm running mom to the hospital.
and if i'm not running mom to the hospital, i'm at her beck and call.
and if i'm not at her beck and call, i'm at clough UMC working on sundays service.
and if i'm not at work, i'm trying to catch up on sleep.
and every now and again i throw in an evening with katie or jaime because sometimes i just need to do my own thing.

please tell me life gets better than this?

i just got done reading velvet elvis by rob bell.
and i'm still trying to digest it all.
i like him. and i like most of what he writes.
i guess i just haven't really figured out how to wrap my brain around his concepts.
but i want to. i feel like there's truth in it.
give me a few days to process.

jonathan drinks beer with me.
and i like that.
i like that he's not above drinking beer with a 21 yr old and discussing life.
i've never had a pastor meet me at that level.
i've never had a pastor want to meet me at that level.
most pastors i've interacted with are so concerned with legalistic things... or an image they must portray...
but not jon. he says he spent too many years being a slave to the image while his insides just rotted.
i understand him when it comes to that. i hate playing the image game too.
i respect him more than i've ever respected a pastor before because he's not afraid to honestly interact with me.
i think that ministers to me more than anything else ever could.

i'm going to have a little baby neice in august.
and i'm going to love her like there's no tomorrow.
just thought i'd throw that out there.

it's 2:30 in the morning. i should sleep.

once_removed @ 2007-03-02T22:31:00

2007-03-03T04:22:10Z

but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
they will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
-isaiah 40:31

i talked to alex a couple nights ago.
and then i talked to lauren for like, ever.
and then i talked to jesus.
it was good.

be strong and courageous. do not be terrified. do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.
-joshua 1:9

mom's home now :)

therefore we do not lose heart. though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
-2 corinthians 4:16

once_removed @ 2007-02-23T12:12:00

2007-02-24T17:15:06Z

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

-Psalm 34:18

once_removed @ 2007-02-09T20:48:00

2007-02-11T01:52:19Z

once_removed @ 2007-02-04T00:19:00

2007-02-05T05:21:21Z

roar.

once_removed @ 2007-01-30T10:40:00

2007-01-30T15:40:57Z

it's funny how things just start to fall in place.
well. maybe it's not actually funny... it's just... ironic.
i've spent most of the last 6 months wondering how in the world a girl like me could ever be useful to do anything in this world because i feel so useless.
i have yet to finish my college degree.
i have yet to have a vision for my life.
all i know is that i'm living day to day.
and sure, living in the moment is good but i'd like to prepare for the future too. ya know?
but god's plan is perfect.
and a little piece of it came together this week.
my friend jonathan is a pastor and i met him during a retreat i lead worship at.
and he likes what i'm all about.
he likes my music. and my guitar. and my voice.
he likes my laid back attitude.
he's so certain that i fit into the vision for his church so he hired me.
i didn't even have to give him references or an application.
i didn't even have to interview for it.
he just brought me in to the council meeting and said, "meet jess. she's exactly what we need and i'm certain of it."
and that was that.
this past sunday was my debut and it went extremely well.
i shook hands with everyone. they're excited about that fact that i'm young.
and what's even better is that the congregation is mostly 20 to 35 yr olds.
jonathan is in the process of adding a second service.
he calls it his "coffee shop service."
it'll be on sunday mornings at 10:30. he says people will come in, grab a cup of coffee, walk into a harwood, organic looking, rustic sanctuary with big comfy couches, round tables and stools, take a seat and hear the good news.
it'll be multi-sensory with powerpoint, video and drama.
it'll be real.
it will incorporate secular music.
it'll be mostly acoustic with some light percussion.

i'm in love with it already :) hopefully that'll all be ready to kickstart in september. i can't wait.

that's all i've got.
loveyoubye
jb

once_removed @ 2007-01-06T22:29:00

2007-01-08T06:11:20Z

starbucks is my second home.
no seriously, it is.
i meet there with people at least three times a week and i love it.
coffee and conversation.
and in some cases a vanilla bean frap and conversation.
i wish it were my job to talk to people all day.
not like a therapist does or anything.
but just chatting.
sometimes i think i have a lot to share.
and other times, i think i have a lot of listening to do.

i hate working.
but i like my job. it's not work to me.
i pick marci up and we spend time together.
some days are more fun than others.
and some days aren't fun at all.
but i see the big picture.
and i like it.
i like who i am when i work with her.
and i like who she is when we work together.
everything else i've been hired to do was so... pointless...
but marci isn't pointless.
i'm not meant for a 9 to 5.
i'm not made to do anything besides relational work.
it's just who i am.

the other night i was told by a black man that all white people don't have discipline.
my first instinct was to verbally chop him up.
i mean, who did he think he was?
he was sitting in a white mans house in a room full of white people-- most of whom were his friends.
i was one of the few who didn't know him.
but i stopped myself from chewing his head off.
because honestly, what good would that have done?
i just shook my head and told him i felt sorry for him.
he said, "bitch, dont be sorry for me."
and i told him i couldn't help it; i always feel sorry for ignorant people.
they're lost.
he scowled at me all night long. it was awkward.
but when i left an hour later, he walked me to the door and said he was sorry.
i still wouldn't prefer his company.
but i thought it was neat.
maybe i should have told him that i probably am the most undisciplined person he'll ever meet.
and it's not because i'm white. it's just because.
but maybe he wouldn't have found that as funny as i do.

i'm tired.
loveyoubye
jb

once_removed @ 2007-01-04T13:31:00

2007-01-04T18:31:28Z

the OC has been cancelled. my life is over.

once_removed @ 2007-01-02T19:12:00

2007-01-03T00:12:22Z

have you ever wondered what it would look like if god himself were in charge of things instead of our elected government officials?

how would health care look? our environment? foreign aid? taxes? the justice system? education? immigration? the military?

i've been thinking about that alot lately...

once_removed @ 2007-01-02T02:43:00

2007-01-02T07:43:42Z

after a year like this one
i'm surprised i did not hate your guts
and after a year like this one
i'm surprised i still love music just as much
after a year like this one
i'm suprised i did not eat my arm
after a year like this one
i'm sorry if i'm not cordial to everyone

after a year like this one
i'm surprised i am convinced at all
and after a year like this one
i do not roll my eyes at the cynical
after a year like this one
i can't help but wonder how they've been
and after a year like this one
i think i'll leave it all to my next of kin

after a year like this one
i'm suprised we're all not weeping drunks
and after a year like this one
i want you to choose the restaurant
and after a year like this one
i'll need a good whole sixteen months alone
after a year like this one
i think i'll make the west coast beaches my new home

-alanis

once_removed @ 2006-12-24T02:27:00

2006-12-24T07:27:50Z

"she's my buddy. anything we don't do together ain't worth doin'" -- grandpa

he makes me smile a whole lot when he says stuff like that :) i think it's because of his country accent. and maybe because of the fact that the above statement is obviously not true. either way, i love the man. he cracks me up.

me: what are you up to grandpa?
him: about 6'1

we were sitting around once watching a re-run of friends on TV...

me: grandpa who's your favorite "friend"?
him: well, i like your uncle dave alot. but i have too many to really have a favorite.

awhile ago he went out and bought a cane to walk with at the drug store. but he didn't just buy a regular cane-- he spent a few extra dollars and got a floral print one. seriously. it's got a black handel but the cane itself is all flowers. like wall paper. and he was so proud of it.

"jessie, did you see my cane yet? you like it??!"'
"gramps, i love it."

i know i've said this before, and i'll probably say it again, but i so hope i'm just like that when i'm older. what a character :)